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i feel so alone « Thread Started on Sept 7, 2009, 6:27pm »
I have never posted anything anywhere before. I so need help and feel that i have no where to turn..I am living with what feels like a secret and cannot stand it anymore..so i'm going to dump it here, and throw caution to the wind. I am 47, and 3 yrs ago left an abusive marriage after 20 yrs,( he was my first boyfriend..i had abuse in my past, and was pretty afraid of men.)This was so liberating at the time. I felt I did a very brave thing, and might have a chance at happiness. I felt attractive for the first time in a long time. 6 months after the divorce the acne which i had never had,started. Long story short, finally went on Accutane, and altho not gone, its better. Heres the kicker: my acne was never horrible..it was horrible to me..but I knew it could be a lot worse..its the resulting scars. When i say scars, its the hypopigmentation. I have never read anyone's experience that is similar to mine. Whenever i get a pimple..no matter how surface or small..the surrounding area turns lighter...and it stays..its there forever...it might be less bright after a week or so, but my face is permanently discolored. These are smooth..altho i have one or two spots that have a true scar feel..ie, different texture...generally speaking it is simply discoloration..or lack of color..spreading all around the pimple. I get very small pimples now..regularly..and my derm says they are "insignificant." I could cry when he says this, as the white areas result no matter what. I also have the dark spots and areas..which makes the white stand out worse. I feel mottled..spotted. Of course, there is nothing that can be done for hypo. Things have gotten very bad for me emotionally...i am embarrassed to say that I think i have turned into a full blown whack job. My life has gotten very small. My daily fear is unfamiliar mirrors..I avoid many situations..including stores..am very uncomfortable in different bathrooms. I look in no mirrors at all other than my own at home. I am extremely depressed..and my life has become somewhat ritualistic in that there are few things i do outside of my "safe" routine. Two things: I of course sought help with therapy. She says I have BDD..(body dysmorphic disorder)...anorexia is one of these disorders, and generally speaking is thot to be the result of trauma. Friends that I have confided in insist that it is not "that bad," and that they would never have guessed this was a problem for me (i am a great actress). It shocks me that people refer to me as "attractive." I feel repulsive. I absolutely know that there is a strong element of irrationality here, but no matter what I say to myself..no matter what I force myself to do on a daily basis..exercise, socialize...it seems to get worse. I am ashamed of my reaction and desperately want to accept and live a decent life...I want to do nothing..getting out of bed is trying. I do believe that there are other things going on here...and struggle to get to the bottom of it...I neglected to say that I am in Recovery, and will be 3 yrs. sober in Sept. Obviously..this has some relevancy. I would give absolutely anything to just "get over" this. I pray for acceptance..seek help, beat myself up for it. I am fearful at my level of depression. What is most difficult is the never endingness of the whole thing...the acne continues...recently, a small pimple which i just could not help but pick at caused a dime sized white area around it. I try very hard not to pick as this of course makes it worse...but most of my pimples stay for weeks, and it feels like too much to bear sometimes. It seems like I have a new spot every other day...in and of themselves, not a huge deal, but the chronic nature of the acne is affecting the over all unevenness, and is horrendous to me. Thank you for listening to my story...I feel slightly better having regurgitated all of this.
happy2balive Junior Acne Survivor member is offline
Joined: Nov 2009 Gender: Female Posts: 1 Karma: 0
Re: i feel so alone « Reply #1 on Nov 10, 2009, 11:47pm »
Hi, I just read your post and I can relate to you on every facet of the struggle you have gone through and continue to go through because of acne and scarring. I am 34 years old now and I struggled with cystic acne from the age of 16-24. My parents would not take me to a dermatologist when I was young, citing "oh, dear, don't worry, your father and I had bouts of acne when we were you age to. Don't worry, it'll clear up on its own." Well, it did finally clear up but the scars left behind were devastating, and after the first glance of my face in the mirror with the sunshine depicting the sad truth with great illumination, I fell into a very dark hole....avoiding any sunshine thereafter. I wasted my youth hiding behind closed doors. While my friends relaxed on the sandy pristine beaches of Cozumel, I was at home with the drapes pulled. They were adorned in the latest bright floral and ivory bikinis, while I trudged along in baggy sweats and chocolate stained tshirts I avoid eye contact, which I learned in psychology can make you come across as a deceitful person when that couldn't be farther from the truth. What hurts the most are the comments people make under their breath as I pass by unbeknownst to them it took me almost a month to work up the courage to leave my house in the daylight. When I was young, I had flawless skin that made my dad so proud of me. My mother attributed it to her strong diet of shrimp during pregnancy. Those were the happiest days of my life. I was so carefree and unkeen to the depression and shame that now fills my life everyday. My sister and brother escaped their minor bouts of acne with flawless complexions and they constantly empathize with me now, which infuriates me I have such a love of life in my inner soul that I cannot express through action due to my outter flaws. I am a very caring and nurturing person, but I seek refuge in my solitude now. I have spent so much money on treatment only to be disappointed. Sometimes, I think that suicide is the only escape from this feeling of worthlessness, but due to my strong religious beliefs, i would never commit such an act. I am very intelligent and kind hearted. My family says these are great qualities to possess. Sure, I say, easily spoken from a mouth attached to a flawless face. I always pictured a life of adventure, travel and excitement. But, sadly now i have none of those things. Only an aging face staring back at me, a constant reminder of what i really am but not who i really am. I served 5 years in the army and was deployed twice to iraq. That was a dreadful time due to the bright sunshine and restrictions on the way we were allowed to wear our hair as females. SO, my face was always put on display everyday. I avoided pictures of proud moments and still do to this day. I just wish that I could wake up from this nightmare, be 15 and flawless again. I don't care what anyone says, NOONE will ever be able to understand the pain, shame and embarassment some of us feel every minute of every day. I sometimes compare my skin to that of a burn victim... I know it's not right and I should be thankful to have my eyesight, hearing, both arms, and both legs. But, when I look at beautiful hollywood and my flawless family in general, I can't help but to ask why can't I have a little piece of their happiness that no doubt is a result of their flawlessness. I wish I could go out today and enjoy the sunshine, but it's not worth the stares on whispers. Will this ever end? Only when my life ends I'm sure... oh, it's dark outside. Now I can walk out to my mailbox to check my mail. Thanks everyone for listening to me.
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I avoid eye contact, which I learned in psychology can make you come across as a deceitful person when that couldn't be farther from the truth. What hurts the most are the comments people make under their breath as I pass by unbeknownst to them it took me almost a month to work up the courage to leave my house in the daylight. When I was young, I had flawless skin that made my dad so proud of me. My mother attributed it to her strong diet of shrimp during pregnancy. Those were the happiest days of my life. I was so carefree and unkeen to the depression and shame that now fills my life everyday. My sister and brother escaped their minor bouts of acne with flawless complexions and they constantly empathize with me now, which infuriates me 
I have such a love of life in my inner soul that I cannot express through action due to my outter flaws. I am a very caring and nurturing person, but I seek refuge in my solitude now. I have spent so much money on treatment only to be disappointed. Sometimes, I think that suicide is the only escape from this feeling of worthlessness, but due to my strong religious beliefs, i would never commit such an act. I am very intelligent and kind hearted. My family says these are great qualities to possess. Sure, I say, easily spoken from a mouth attached to a flawless face. I always pictured a life of adventure, travel and excitement. But, sadly now i have none of those things. Only an aging face staring back at me, a constant reminder of what i really am but not who i really am. I served 5 years in the army and was deployed twice to iraq. That was a dreadful time due to the bright sunshine and restrictions on the way we were allowed to wear our hair as females. SO, my face was always put on display everyday. I avoided pictures of proud moments and still do to this day. I just wish that I could wake up from this nightmare, be 15 and flawless again. I don't care what anyone says, NOONE will ever be able to understand the pain, shame and embarassment some of us feel every minute of every day. I sometimes compare my skin to that of a burn victim... I know it's not right and I should be thankful to have my eyesight, hearing, both arms, and both legs. But, when I look at beautiful hollywood and my flawless family in general, I can't help but to ask why can't I have a little piece of their happiness that no doubt is a result of their flawlessness. I wish I could go out today and enjoy the sunshine, but it's not worth the stares on whispers. Will this ever end? Only when my life ends I'm sure... oh, it's dark outside. Now I can walk out to my mailbox to check my mail. Thanks everyone for listening to me.